Chasing the Unicorn

Before I became a mom, working Tuesday through Saturday was okay.  I can't say I loved it, but I could appreciate the pros and cons.  Yeah, I missed out on pretty much every social event ever, but hey I had a business day free to get stuff done!  Yeah!

By the time I became a mom though, I was more or less used to this routine.  And with one small child, it was okay.  In fact, as she grew, we really came to love our "mommy days" on Mondays (my days off were Sunday/Monday).  Big Girl came to expect a "girls day" on Mondays.  Just like she expected her daddy time on Saturdays.  We found time to get things done.  It wasn't ideal, but we found time for each other.  I did feel some increasing urgency to make a change because she'll be in school eventually and then we won't have our Mondays anymore.  But that's not for a little while....

Enter Little Girl.  I was finally blessed to become a mom of two.  Something we'd hoped and prayed for for so long.  An amazing new little person in our lives, making our hearts whole again.

And everything fell apart.

Let me back up a little bit.  I will confess right now in my very first blog post: I am a terrible housekeeper.  I mean really, really bad.  But despite appearances, I am always trying.  Before Little Girl came along, we stayed on top of it, sorta.  Like I could clean like a crazy woman in the 24 hours before having company, welcome someone into my home with a little, "Sorry about the mess!  Hahahaha!" and get by because our home was clean, just "lived in."  Yes, lived in.  I think this housekeeping thing comes naturally to a lot of people, but to have a tidy home for me takes considerable effort.  There might be a clinical diagnosis for it (I don't know, I only do eyeballs).  But I can put something down without even realizing it.  Or, as I'm putting something down, I think to myself, "WOW this is a really great place to keep this thing!  I should make this the place I always keep this thing."  Except the truth is, not only will I never remember I put that there, it is in fact a horrible place to keep it.  Then, to make matters worse, if I am walking by and happen to see an object in a horrible ridiculous absurd improbable place, it does not once cross my mind to move it to a more probable place.  I just think, "Oh, what an improbable place to keep that thing." Or, "I'll have to remember that thing later." Or, "I need to do something with that thing when I have more time." Or I hardly notice it at all in the sea of improbably-stored items.  This is me at home, every day, so you can see why tidiness is an uphill battle (I'm also a germaphobe so that is fun).

Before becoming a mom of two though, I was passing.  Maybe just barely, but passing.

Now, not so much.  Little Girl needs lots of attention.  She is also busy.  She also hates sleep.  And I am down with all that gentle parenting stuff, that is to say I personally don't dig sleep training (no judgement though if you chose to sleep train!).  So we've found our ways of dealing with that, but I don't have tons of energy to work on the house when I get home from work.  Before the kids go to bed, I like to actually spend time with them.  After they go to bed, I just want to be in bed too.

So Mondays used to be our fun days but-maybe-do-a-little-laundry-too-days.  Now they are--stumble out of bed when the baby says I have to, try to do 98745 loads of laundry I didn't get to through the week, get Big Girl to dance class on time (hope her dance clothes were in one of those loads of laundry), then what do you mean this day is already over??--days.

I am tired.  I am tired of barely managing.  I am tired of trying to look like I have it together at home when I don't.  Frankly, I don't want to look like I don't have it together, either.  That might be the more honest way of being, but what I'd really like is to actually have it together.

Is it possible?  I look around at working moms all around me and they seem to cope so much better.  Some of them are single mothers who have all my respect because I am like this even with a helpful and supportive husband.  Do all these women really have it all perfectly together with a bow on top?  Probably some of them.  Do all of them?  They are probably not as bad as I am, but I guarantee a lot of them are busting tail at work all day only to go home, bust tail some more, then go to bed feeling like they're not doing enough.  I feel this way all the time and I dislike it very much.

So what do I wish for more than anything else?  BALANCE.  Is it really chasing a unicorn to strive for balance?  What does balance even look like?

I am so blessed to finally be getting a step closer.  Balance may be a "unicorn," but I think I can get ever so slightly closer (am I crazy?).  I have finally made some much-needed career changes which will not only give me more satisfaction in my career as an optometrist, but also more time at home.  And, for the first time in my life as a full-fledged grown up (out of school paying my own bills and all), Saturdays will actually mean A DAY OFF.  I may have the occasional Saturday or half-Saturday here and there, but the fact that most weekends will actually mean time with my family makes me so happy I could cry.

More time for housework, yeah.  More time with my husband and my babies...priceless.  I'm gonna keep chasing that unicorn.




Probably to my grave.